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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Grace for who you were Before

Here I am with my adorable and sweet husband, Jeremy.  This pic was taken in 2005, a few months before we got married.  A few months before we decided to pack up our belongings and life in Indianapolis, IN and move to Cumming, GA for a wealth of opportunities, exciting change, and a unique adventure....
Cover Photo
photograph by Lindsey White (who was then, Lindsey Kannen, since we're on the subject)

Pretty quickly after moving to GA, I realized, or felt like, it was a big mistake.  We really wanted to get away from everything we knew, even though we loved it, and establish our family unit away from pretty much everything- For just a few years- and then we could move back!  We could, you know, buy a house, have a cool experience exploring the region, and then sell the house, make a profit and move back to the Midwest when we were ready to have a family.  My plan would have worked so well had we not had this pesky recession and a beautiful surprise package from a stork!! 
6 years later, here we are.  In our townhouse, a 4 year old and 2 year old en tow.  It's a beautiful thing, I keep reminding myself, but it was definitely not my plan to be stuck in a starter house, busting at the seems with a bustling family, trying to make do in my tiny kitchen while being a personal chef and cooking every meal!  All my counters are full of things stewing, brewing, culturing- or just fresh in a bowl.  It's a wild thing, even though it has its element of charm.  I get a lot of the southern go-to phrase, "Bless your heart, Anna."  The piles, jars and dishes are endless, and sometimes I get so confined I feel like screaming, "Why did I EVER move here?  Why did I EVER buy this house?  Why did I EVER leave Indiana?  Why didn't we move to Minnesota so we'd at least be by family?  Why did I think this was a good idea?  Why did life have to happen like THIS?"

But.  God's been teaching me a wise, gentle lesson lately.

Instead of battling with a self-loathing rolling boil about every brilliant-decision-gone-bad that I've made, God wants me to take a gentler approach with myself.  For one thing, I've noticed how gentle HE has been with me.  Then, He showed me that I need to honor who I was in different parts of my life.  I don't need to judge myself and wish I had made different decisions to the point of regret.  After all, I do think out my decisions, even though they don't always work out for the best, or the way I'd hoped.  BUT, I did truly make the choices I thought were best at the time, so why not honor myself for who I was- naive, young, and frankly- just as I am today- unaware of what tomorrow holds? 

I am free from living from regret if I know that the decisions I am making are the best, thought-out decisions I can make with the knowledge and experience I have.  I can look at myself at different points of my life and say, "there, there, silly girl.  I care about you, and I am honoring you for who you were- just as you ought to have been, I suppose."  But, I'm glad I've learned something, too.  I'm glad I've grown and changed, and I know i'll keep growing because I am open to it.  I seek it out.  And I am sure in 10 years I'll look back at my 29-year-old self today and say, "There, there, little one.  You thought you had it figured out, and look what I'm dealing with now!!!  But, even still, I am rubbing your back, whispering in your ear that I know you did the best you could that day.  That month.  That year.  You really did.  Even though today could have been different if you would have made a different decision, it's OK.  You really did the best you could." 

My family as we are today!  Photo taken by Lindsey White

How amazing when you take on even a glimmer of the view of yourself that God has- his gentleness  astounds my being.  His careful grace is beyond my comprehension.  Can you give yourself some care today- to view your soul the way God does?  To honor yourself today, and have grace for yourself yesterday?  A freedom to live with no regret.  A true freedom to live in Grace!

Love,
Anna

2 comments:

  1. This is by far one of your best post and I am amazed by your spirit everyday. Love you.
    Jeremy

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    Replies
    1. Awww thank you so much, honey! I so appreciate you commenting, and glad you enjoyed the message. :) I love you, too!!!

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